Ending the Gag Order

A funny thing would happen sometimes when I was giving readings. It was pretty rare, but it always shocked me. I'd be opening my mouth to share an intuitive insight and there it was -  a clenching feeling in my throat. There would be this overwhelming feeling to stop, not say anything, talk around the subject, whatever...just don't say what you intuitively know.

I started calling this the "gag order." For some reason, I, my spirit, a guide, whatever/whoever felt that that particular information didn't need to be shared. Or perhaps shouldn't be shared. Weird, but your threshold and tolerance for weird can get pretty dang high when you do mediumship.

All of this is just to say that I've been sitting with a gag order for months now. I'd get a spark of insight, start writing a blog, and then...nope. No. 

Get an idea - start writing - Nah-UH.

Over and over.

And guys, I'm tired. I'm tired of pushing away, sitting on, ignoring, and stagnating. So I'm not going to try and push against this gag order anymore. Instead, I'm going to say whatever the hell it is that comes easy.

And truth be told, I'm not really sure what I want to say these days. Bu I know that the only way I'm going to find out is by opening my mouth (or putting my fingers to the keyboard) and seeing what happens.

Here's what I can say. What's easy.

Parenthood has rocked me to my foundation, and it continues to shake me and shake loose everything that I once thought was important, or painful, or relevant. I'm sure people are sick of hearing it, but this is where I am right now and I want you to give yourself permission to be what you are, where you are, and how you are. 

Discovering who I am as a mother is not what I thought it would be. Rook is now over a year old and I am still tired, and lonely, and overcome. My heart bursts with love, and I also experience anger and sadness and despair as frequently as I experience the wonder.

I am no longer depressed. 

And my career is no longer on hold.

My physical health has also taken priority - but more on that in another blog.

Here's something hard to say, but it's not part of the gag order. It's something that's been bubbling beneath the surface.

I feel like an imposter. I want to be an artist. I want to be able to call myself an artist. But nothing feels more fake than that right now.

And that's where I am. That's where we're jumping off from here. This blog and this website are going to undergo a lot of changes in the next few months. It's only fitting.